It's been thirteen months post benzos now, and little by little I emerge out of the safety of my cocoon, slowly testing the waters of life again. My mind wants to run through the fields of spring flowers, but my body still says walk. Sadly, I know I have to listen to the intense muscle tightness and electrical tingling that I still experience throughout my body, or my fragile nervous system will keep me awake again tonight.
As I write this blog, I still ask myself over and over in my head; "How could I have missed this." "How is it possible that no doctor ever informed me it could take this long to recover from what these drugs did to my brain and my body?" I receive solace from a few online friends that have been my cheer leading team, who help me with words of support as others did for them. Then in a moment of gratitude for them, I realize how fortunate I am as I know there are many that suffer in silence, and those that have taken their lives.
I want to talk to all of you today about creativity and my motivation for starting this site. If any of you have read my article on Mad In America, you know I am a musician and writer and was on the fast track in the music business prior to the horrible anxiety and insomnia I experienced at menopause.
From my own experience now, I can see how our entire society has been in for a huge fall for many decades now. The pharmaceutical companies were just in the right place to cash in on a giant opportunity for lifetime customers. We have given our power away to doctors, and in that process, we lost sight of who we really were. We are healers and creators, but instead of being on a path of self discovery, we glommed on to SUVs, Smart Phones and I Pads in an effortless frenzy to find satisfaction in how much stuff we can acquire. When we were so burnt out that we could no longer function in the world, we turned to substances to numb the pain of our spiritual starvation and we were left with no where to turn when doctors had no answers about these substances. We had to be our own warrior because there was just nowhere to go when we took the last pill.
In an effort to find meaning in my life again, I turned to every bit of strength I could find within me to realize the meaning and fulfillment in my work again that I had lost from attempting to keep up at a maddening pace. There were days (and still are some) upon days that I didn't know where I was going, or how I was going to get there. Since I lost one of my businesses in 2008, I had moved eight times during my withdrawal and never thought I would see peace again.
On lucky move number eight, I was blessed to find this amazing little guest house where I could gather my thoughts, listen to Abraham Hicks and re-memorize all of my music. I did yoga everyday, took a TM course, swam, cooked, healed, took writing courses and started on a second screenplay. I was blessed again to have the incredible support of my many wonderful friends who helped me emerge from the shadows of my broken spirit.
Slowly, I began to find myself again, and thanks to my many artistic gifts, I am slowly emerging from the fire pits of hell. I realized my faith again, although I still question it at times. As I emerge from the darkness, I want to share my experience with others in an effort to perhaps touch one life that might not know how truly powerful they are.
We have been beat up, talked down to and discouraged from finding our bliss in life. Still, no matter how hard we have tried it seems we felt we could never quite measure up. So, we have gone through life trying to fit into an illusion that is falling apart before our very eyes, and the only way to find hope is to go inward and ask ourselves what we really want. Smartphones and computers, or each other?
I choose each other, and that starts with honoring myself and what I do in the world that can make a difference. What I came away with is, don't waste another day to be who you are. Who you REALLY are. Because when you stuff all that greatness down inside, you wind up needing pills.