For those of you who haven't spent much time in the online benzo support forums, there is a lot of great information from others going through the same things while withdrawing from these medications. At first, I didn't want to believe that all the symptoms they were describing were going to happen to me and that they would last for as long as other people were experiencing them. I think that a bit of denial about these symptoms is not only common, but I believe it might even be healthy. When you are tapering these medications, I think it's normal to hope that once you are done with the last dose you are going to feel better pretty quickly. I know I did, and if I hadn't I don't think I would have made it through the acute stages of withdrawal. It also gives you time to allow the process of acceptance to unfold while you are healing.
One of the biggest reasons for this denial is that we have readily accepted popping pills in this society as a way to deal with everything that ails us. We just assume that because they are legal they are safer than street drugs. The T.V. commercials for drugs are hard to escape unless you don't watch any T.V. From my standpoint, they have created a very effective "Ask Your Doctor" campaign, and Big Pharma has managed to successfully hijack our healthcare system.
After coming off the medications I was on, it never occurred to me how out of control prescription drugs had become over the last two decades. I knew it was a problem, but it wasn't until I had to make an E.R. visit for low potassium just recently that I realized just how crazy it was. I had pretty high blood pressure and my heart rate was very high. After receiving an I.V. of potassium in the E.R., all my vitals returned to normal yet they admitted me to the cardiac unit anyway. Based on EKG results and cardiac enzyme tests, there was no evidence that I had any kind of heart issue. I was offered nitroglycerin, blood pressure medication, blood thinners and Ativan which is what I had just come off of a year prior to this. If I hadn't been educated about all of these drugs and declined them as I did, I could have died taking just the the blood thinners alone.
This brings me to the real disconnect in the medical system. The doctors have huge liability issues with the insurance companies, and I am relatively sure that if they don't at least offer the drug and something happens to the patient, the insurance company may not agree to pay premiums. This puts the patient in a difficult position because we might not know the dangers of certain drugs, and our culture has given an unreasonable amount of power to most doctors. We want to believe that they have our best interest at heart, but in reality who are they really protecting? I'm not saying that all doctors are just covering their ass, and in fairness to them they have been put in a difficult situation with the pharmaceutical industry. In addition, many of us go crawling to our doctors begging for instant relief from all of our problems.
So, what does all this have to do with fairies you might ask? Well, for me fairies have always represented magic and the power of the inner voice that connects us to all things in this world. Fairies are helpers, and I see every voice that has told their story online and how it is having an immense impact in this world to tell others the truth about these medications. Without every single person's story that I read, I would never have understood what was happening to me. Like many other people that have gone through this, we would have all thought we were going mad if those stories hadn't been available to us. Most of the doctors just don't know. The ones who do don't believe their patients that these drugs can cause problems for months and years later after they are discontinued.
So, this blog is dedicated to all of the warriors that have gone through this and to those that are still going through this. I would never have known that the only thing that heals after withdrawal is time and patience. After trying to find answers from every doctor that I could find, I just surrendered to the healing process and only went to a doctor for an emergency related injury. I went inward and learned TM, did yoga every day, learned tapping techniques to sooth myself and trusted the divine spirit within me to have the innate wisdom to heal me.
I learned to put my attention on what I wanted, and not what I didn't want by playing music, writing and creating this non-profit. I learned to enjoy the simple things in life and what benefits there could be from slowing down and just watching a sunset from my window at night. I didn't realize how things in the world had started moving so fast until life caught up with me and the medications forced me to stop. I saw how the adrenaline rush I got from always running after things I thought would make me happy was an addiction of its own.
Slowly, the days started to become more manageable for me as I was able to use my brain again and my nervous system wasn't so fragile anymore. It's amazing how after withdrawal how wonderful just feeling good for a day can be appreciated after being sick for so long.
So, what I hope everyone will walk away from this blog with is that maybe we are getting one huge lesson that humanity needs right now to shift how we are doing things in life. I think those online fairies are really the "Canaries in the Cage" trying to get the attention of the world. Maybe they are trying to tell us to slow down, and that happiness is an inside job. Ultimately, there is nothing outside of ourselves that gives us true joy like our own inner voice and bliss.