I wanted to write on the topic of suicide because of the recent run of benzo related suicides that have been in the news, as well as the stories that have been shared in some of the online communities. I had also received a number of posts from people watching my You Tube videos who were very desperate, and suffering from the litany of symptoms associated with this horrible withdrawal.
These voices were saying the same words I had repeated so many time during my withdrawal. "I don't know what to do. I don't think I can make it." I didn't know how I could ever offer them enough comfort in their hour of need, that would be a satisfactory explanation of why I felt they should keep going. The only way I knew how to keep going was through my joy for music, and the desire to want to play again. I knew from the desperate cries, how very I lucky I was to have had that joy to keep moving me forward through the worst hell any human being could ever have to endure.
I didn't realize how much having a purpose had given me the strength to fight through one more hellish day of unspeakable symptoms, that are going without notice against the backdrop of so many unspeakable human atrocities happening in the world today. The problem was that they are falling on a deaf ears because the only people hearing these voices are those that have suffered and endured this same hell themselves.
As I have pondered what to write, I wasn't sure if there were any actually words in the human language to convey just how unbearable this experience could be. How much suffering is expected from these people before they reach their threshold of pain and just give up? What separates those of us who make it through this, from those who don't? The same answer kept coming to me time and time again. Purpose. This is the one motivating factor that I have seen in many survivors of benzo withdrawal. It didn't have to be more than just being healthy enough to take care of their families. What gives some of us the ability to find that purpose, and make the journey when there are many who don't?
As human beings we have all suffered unspeakable atrocities from the dawn of time. Some people make it through and become stronger, but many succumb to the unbearable pain that some are able to triumphantly overcome. I wondered if it was faith that gives some the hope that deep down somewhere they knew that triumph would lead them to a higher calling or spiritual evolution. I know many that have felt that way including myself. If not for the spiritual conviction I had, I don't know that I would not have been another benzo statistic.
In one of the posts I received, I felt a very real sense that this person was walking very near to the edge of what they could handle. After a phone conversation with her, I kept asking myself how I could convey some hope to her that she shouldn't give up and that this would all be over in time. I didn't know if there could be any obvious solution to my quandary, and it began to sink in that we have a very big problem with so few solutions to date. How do you give someone in the worst agony of their lives hope? Because the suffering goes on for so much longer than most types of illnesses we understand, it is inconceivable how the human spirit can find purpose in the midst of both physical and psychological pain that many never have to endure.
If the pain of the benzo sufferer is never clearly acknowledged because of the power of BIG PHARMA and the healthcare industry, we may see a suicide epidemic that could rival the deaths taken through war and other human tragedies. The truth is, we are fighting a whole other type of war that we have never encountered before because never in our history have we seen such widespread use of these types of drugs, and we have no idea what the potential fallout and complications could be. I don't know how many deaths it might take before we wake up to just how horrible the suffering from this withdrawal truly is. Just when you think you are coming out of the worst, another wave hits only to test you to the very fiber of your being. This type of war is an inner battle that I personally feel no one should ever have to endure without some serious mental and emotional support, that unfortunately we are just not fully prepared as a society to deal with.
These suicide deaths are not like those of other suicides from mere depression or inability to deal with life's heaviness. These are desperate deaths of people who so badly want to live, but don't know how they can carry on in a body who's brain has been ravaged by chemicals of the warfare of profit. Souls who were never informed of the poisonous effects that could end the life they knew forever more.